Image courtesy of IDEX Magazine.
On your first few dates with a woman, you have one mission. And only one mission.
To win her trust.
Sound weird? Not surprised. As a guy, “Am I safe with her?” probably isn’t a question you ask yourself often.
For us females, it’s different. Even the strongest and most confident among us is carefully evaluating whether we feel safe with you. Safe physically, and safe emotionally.
Makes sense if you think about it. One in six American women experiences rape, or attempted rape. And every two minutes, someone in the US gets sexually assaulted.
So if you’re courting a lady, no matter how much of a prince you are, you’re playing against that unpleasant context.
Now, this is not to say that women are passive victims who wait in fear to be assaulted. Far from it. Some of us have studied krav maga and can kick your ass if you try anything.
And most of us take measures not to date psychos, to only meet up in public places, etc.
But believe me, until we know you, you’re on shaky ground, through no fault of your own. So you need to PROVE to us on the first few dates that we can trust you.
And I’m not just talking physical safety. Emotional safety is also essential. You MUST show yourself to be the kind, thoughtful man you are.
And that means not undermining yourself. So:
Don’t say anything even remotely sexual unless she initiates the topic.
I once dated a gentleman who used the word “fellatio” on our second date. Granted, this was in the context of a quite hilarious autocorrect story–not in any aggressive way. But it struck a wrong note with me.
Another guy–again, on the ultra-hazardous second date–used the phrase “kick him in the nuts.” Again, it was physically unpleasant to hear. And I’m no shrinking violet.
1. I’m not your buddy or your sister. We’re evaluating each other as romantic partners. You don’t know me yet. Don’t presume I’m OK with the same kind of jokes you’d tell your guy friends on poker night. (This MAY be the case. But you can’t assume so.)
2. The gentlemanly factor should be amped up, not dialed down. Once we know each other well, it may not be so important for you to prescreen every word that comes out of your mouth. Right now, err on the side of being TOO polite and honorable.
Guys, I want you to succeed on your love quest. So show your date that you are indeed a gentleman: someone who is considerate, who thinks before he speaks, who knows how to make her comfortable.
Someone she can trust.
That’s who you are–am I right?