Gentlemen, hear me when I tell you that ladies are into kissing. It’s one of the most intimate and sublime sensations out there–when done well. 

But lately, some of my friends have been sharing stories of kissing woes. Guys that they stopped dating, because these fellas did not know how to smooch properly. 

Herewith I submit the top four kissing crimes. 

Kissing Criminal #1: The Goldfish

Image courtesy of Wikipedia.

The Goldfish is an insecure and tentative makeout agent. He will purse his lips before planting them repeatedly on his chosen paramour’s mouth, cheek, or other exposed body part. 

Essence of the crime: Annoying smacking noises; pursed lips are not passionate, but redolent of a disapproving great-aunt. 

Rehabilitation: When you’re kissing a lady, let your lips relax and be soft. And if you hear cartoony smacking sounds resonating off your face–beware! 

Kissing Criminal #2: The Vacuum Cleaner

Image courtesy of Wiktionary.

The Vacuum Cleaner goes for what he wants, which is a plus. But he mistakes penetration for passion. Having some guy shove his tongue down your throat is about as sexy as getting a root canal. 

Essence of the crime: Dental connotations; lack of sensitivity. 

Rehabilitation: Even if she’d be open to it, it’s hotter to postpone any tongue action until it’s clear there’s some chemistry going on. When things start to get passionate, let her lead, and go slowly–this is neither deep-water drilling nor fracking. 

Kissing Criminal #3: The Monk

Image courtesy of Wikimedia Commons.

The Monk may be really into you, but you’d never know it. He’s too scared to even try to place his lips anywhere near yours. Nice guys don’t want to go in too fast and scare you off. Which is commendable! But The Monk veers too far in this direction, leaving his lady wondering if he’s interested at all. 

Essence of the crime: Not going for the gusto. 

Rehabilitation: Start with a kiss on the cheek. See if she seems happy with that. If so, try a gentle kiss on the lips. See how that goes. If she pulls back at that point, all is not well and it’s best to find out what’s up before proceeding further. 

Kissing Criminal #4: The Saint Bernard

Image courtesy of Wikimedia Commons. 

The Saint Bernard has lots of puppy-dog energy and enthusiasm. Unfortunately, he also lacks control. Nothing is less hot than having a damp splotch of drool left behind after a kiss.

Essence of the crime: Excessive saliva distribution.

Rehabilitation: Some people just kiss wetter than others, which is fine. But make sure you’re taking time to swallow your own spit. And if you lick your lips before a kiss, make sure it’s just to lube them up for action–not to saturate that whole area.

On behalf of women everywhere, thank you for avoiding these criminal activities!